The Smirk

It was finally a Saturday Morning.

I woke quite late due to the Small Beer Binge in my Flat.

Actually it was 'BJ' himself who troubled my in know....Black Jack !!
Ever since he took the Art of Living Course, He has been a Pain In The Ass!! Gets up early in the morning and wakes up others also , even if we didnt want to wake up too! The Bugger doesn't care whether it is a Saturday or Sunday!!

"Hey Machaaaa!! Udd Udd..Wake Up, Rise n Shine, Udd udddd!!"

"Bhaag Saaley...."

"Machaa...i got some news for you ...Do you remember Anita?? hmmmm? hmmmmm? Do you remember her??"

"Yeah I remember her. How can i forget her Dude. Now, get to the point!!"

"Ab tu Bhaag machha...Now its time for my Meditation. I need Quite. I need Peace. Now Shoooo. I will tell you later "

"Tere to..Saaley. Theek hai. Let me go and make a cup of Coffee. Take your Own Time"

While i was sipping my warm cup of coffee...with my mind wandering .. BJ walks in and planted himself in the beanbag opposite me.

"Machha. You and Anita had a thing going between you a year back..right??"

"Yeah. We had a thing going....hmmmm..But She decided that I was not Man Enough for Her!!"

"Yes. Machaaa I remember. You came back that night all Drunk and Dangerous...How can i forget that night?? You still haven't paid for the TV you broke"

"Bhaag Saaley. That TV was on share between all of us. Not just you. Ab dimag kharab mat kar"

"Bhai. You of course know the guy to whom she is engaged - Naveen."

"How can i forget him also. Pretty smooth worker- that dude!"

"Machha... That dude died in a horrific Car Accident yesterday night. Nimisha Just called me and told me. It Seems Anita has gone into a shock"

"Shock? Ok....Whatever. Dude, do you have any better news to tell. I got better things to do than listen to crap like this! Ab tu bhaag and do your Sri Sri Sri Stuff"

I moved into my Room and closed the Door.
When i turned and looked in the tall mirror, Did i detect a faint 'Smirk' on my Face?

Filmi Style, my mind went flash back.....a very painful flash back....

I still remember that Valentine's Day and the pain!!

She was in the small friend circle that was formed among us young professionals in small city of J.
Our Friend Circle was quite popular and folks wanted to join in.

There was a sort of chemistry between us - Anita and Me. We jelled together with ease. To put thing short, small get togethers, house parties, dining out....for long time, we were together and i had developed a comfort personal zone with her. She was a person whom i could talk bindaas, without any get ups.

That Valentine's Day, after a lot of Deliberation, I gave her the rose and the Card.
I told her what i felt for her.
But then, there are quite a load of thorns in a bed of roses. here they were sharp knives, piercing through your heart.
"Sorry. I Cant Accept It."
"Don't Hurry. Take your time, Anita. You know me well. take your time and tell me your Decision"

"I don't need Time. I don't like this at all. If I know You Well, Thats reason enough for my Refusal"
"Would you please leave me alone?"

My heart was pierced with all those knives. It was very hard to handle rejection. I am not a vain man. But i had believed that there was something between us after all those togetherness.

When i had turned around to leave, i saw him standing far away in a corner with a "Satisfied Smirk" on his face - Naveen.

Now, when I think of Naveen, i feel sort of Admiration For Him. he was a Smooth Worker, an Excellent Manager and Strategist. No Wonder he was a top player in his Company's Construction Dept. *

Naveen had moved into the city about 6 months back to the Valentine Day issue. He was not a full member of our Friend Circle, But Jhumpy who worked along with him had brought him along to our get togethers.

The guy was never active in any sense, sort of a background player.

But I never knew that he was machinating many events ..which led to the heart ache i faced that day.

I am a straight forward man, but when i heard about the sneaky work he has done to get close to Anita, how he had poisoned her mind against me, how he instructed her to avoid me and to reject blood boiled up!

My friends knew all the things that were going around, but didn't want to hurt my feelings, so they never ever told me about Naveen and Anita until then.

I wanted to Rip out His heart.

"Calm Down Macha...Calm Down"
"She is not worthy of you Dude. We know you well. You are one of the best friends any one can have. She is not worthy of You. Leave it"
"Leave it Ass! You will find a better girl than her"

All these words of comfort did no good but add to the pain. I drank that Night like i have never drunk before. I broke many items in the flat out of anger. Somehow..i Slept Off.

From that day, i have kept my distance with the girls. I have a lot of friends who are women, but they just stay friends ....nothing more. some have indicated their interest in me, but my other close pals who know me in and out have made them understand that i am not willing for any commitment.

"Machaaaa....!! What are you Doing? We got to go to see Chandy today." he was not a mallu..but short for Chandigarh from where he was. Chandy had his immigration papers cleared for Australia...and was to leave in a week's time. We had planned to go there as a group to have a small get together.

"Machaaa..!! Do you know? Anita is in the same building as Chandy. maybe we should drop in as a group to give our condolences"

Yes. My skewered mind wanted that bit for revenge to see her in pain. Yes!

"You are right Dude. Call up the others and we will go there after the thingy at Chandy's"

Yes. My Smirk grew Bigger. The Pain I felt was being avenged. I wanted to Smirk in her face, in front of her. I wanted her to feel the pain of having me laughing at her pain. i kept on imagining her face, when she sees me offering her my condolences!

Chandy's farewell party went fine. But my mind was elsewhere, imagining Anita's face.

Later when we went down to her flat, it was her parents who had flown up from Kerala who had opened the door.

Jhumpy introduced ourselves and we went in to meet Anita.
Each of our friends went in to Anita's Room and offered their condolences.
When it was my turn, i went in...and got the shock of my life.
That was not Anita there.
It was a Shell of a Person.
Without life, with just pain writ all over her face.
Her eyes were looking into nothing, there was no smile,
Her whole face was as if it was chiseled of stone.

"Anita. I am So Sorry for you"
She looked up at me with those eyes....and then i realized a part of her has already died along with Naveen.

I couldn't stay there any longer. I rushed out.

There was no Anita there ....
I was planning myself to laugh in her face....which now showed the pain of loss.
I wanted her to see my Smirk, which i had practised to show to her. But i couldn't!
I don't know why , but i couldn't do it.

That night, i was drinking again, i cried a lot.

I had sympathies for Anita ..who had lost her love.

I didn't cry for her.

I cried for myself.....For i was on the verge of losing my humaneness.

I cried for the people of the world....I am not alone, there are millions like me, losing their humaneness.

I cried..for becoming something i despise.

I promised myself...I will at least be a little human in my life, wherever and whenever it is possible.

I went to Sleep.....Thinking of Electric Sheep.....


Anonymous said…
Hi Roshan..
Nothing personal here but there'z one thing I absolutely dont understand about guyz... which shocks me time and again.. When a guy proposes a girl.. does'nt she have the right to say 'NO'...Is'nt it why its called "PROPOSING" ... does'nt she also have a choice to choose whom she would want to live her life with?? Agreed you were good friendz and you thought there was a thing happening between the two.. but may be she did'nt feel that way with you..may be u meant a good friend and nothing more.

If u felt like smirking at her for her misery.. then where did u love her at all???? Love is not something u love today and dont love tomorrow for xyz reasons...If U love someone... then u love them come what may.. u alwayz wish good for them... and in ur case if the other guy poisoned her mind about you... then curse the guy why smirk at the girl??

I write this comment here because I myself have lost quite a few good friendz 'cause I did'nt accept their proposal .. but the thought that they would Smirk at my misery does'nt qualify them for .. forget 'LOVE' but not even to be called good friendz!!

I really need to understand this about guyz which has puzzled me all the time!! Do reply!!

Glad u've kind of woken up!! :)

- PK
Roshan said…
Dear Anonymous,

What i wrote is a composite of many experiences of many people around, my colleagues, my friends.

I Use real entities and experiences as the background or the essence of the stories i write.

This is the first story i wrote.

For the person who had this experience, who told about it to me, what i have gathered from him was the person on whom the Naveen character is based on..did play dirty tricks.

Yeah it isnt right to take revenge on the girl, when the guy had done the drity deeds. But then, human psychology is very unpredictive.

I have face many rejections in my life during my college days, but i have taken it all in stride thinking that the girl for me is somewhere in the future. of course it was difficult for me to get used to rejections, but i did.

I imagine real life experiences of me and others, play out outcomes of what ifs and write some silly shit about all those.

More stories coming up...from real experiences said. of me and those around me....

Roshan said…
again i wanted to add...

This thing what you dont like about can attribute it to the caveman mentality...basically its a survival mentality.
Anonymous said…
hi roshan

well..its remaining close to the fact. just love to stick on it

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